There Are People

Today, I woke up at 4:00 Am. I did not fall back asleep, nor did I have the ability to. This morning was probably the most depressed I have ever felt in months, probably in years. I looked at what was going on, what was happening. I felt as if the whole world just didn't need me. I looked at my family members, the ones who will love me forever. I knew for a fact that even though I can always count on them, I felt as if there was a distance between me and them. I suppose it's my fault. I started looking at my friends, or at least the people I had called friends. Filtering through cruel and unusual thoughts, even for me. I was upset, at everyone. Upset at myself, at what I had become. I didn't realize that I had changed from what I had been just months ago. January through June of this past year was almost perfect. The other half of this year? Well, something has gotta even it out, I suppose. Every day I feel as if the world is crumbling around me, and for so long I have been blaming it on myself. Holding it in. A good friend of mine told me last night, "I have a feeling you out a LOT of sugar on the things you say, so that you barely say what you really mean." At first I didn't think it was true. This morning I looked upon my actions on the way I talk to other people, and how I use my words with other people, and I have come to find that I have been hiding from what I had been. There is a certain someone who told me I had changed, that I used to be a lot better. And I refused to believe it until just recently, and I have her to thank.

But this morning I wasn't thinking of all that. I was looking at all the things going on, what it could be like. How different it would be if I had just said a few simple words. I looked at certain people who I have hurt, mentally. The people that have gain bad impressions of me, just because of the way I acted around others. I give them my apologizes. I was judgmental, paranoid, and mainly a douche to the eyes of everyone who didn't agree with me.

This morning I asked myself things I haven't thought seriously of since the 8th grade. About...death. At that time, for hours I spent wondering to myself what would happen in that unfortunate event. Some would cry; understandable. Some would laugh; even more understandable. Some wouldn't care, and others would. I told myself the only reason why some would care is just because I have known them long enough for them to deal with who I was, or what I had become. I was in a mental state of disrepair. My mind was rejecting anything and everything positive I had tried to think of. I only saw darkness, pain, rejection, and hatred. My paranoia has never ran that wildly before...and this morning as I lay there, for 3 and a half hours, I re-thought everything I could do to stop it. Stop the hatred, the false beliefs, the lies. I thought that only death could bring me that. I was terrified at myself for even thinking it, but I didn't care.

But this is when I had figured it out, what had awoken me. I was at school, still in that mental state, thinking how bad the day was going to be when I sat at my usual spot at the breakfast table. Automatically my friends knew something was wrong. I told them I was fine but they knew me too well to know I was lying. They had noticed. Cared. Even the people who I had thought were annoying and immature showed concern. I looked around, and immediately smiled. Not because I was magically happy all of a sudden, but because I realized that no matter how many obstacles came my way, there is always a way to get around them. I didn't tell them my thoughts in fear of someone around over hearing me and saying something stupid, but I did keep in mind that I'm not as hated as I thought I was. Throughout the day I got better and better. My mind was being uplifted by everyone around me, even the people who I had sought to stay away from because of the judgmental mind I had blindly used to portray myself as something better, just because I was different and raised differently that modern society sees. From now on, I wont pretend to be someone else just to get attention. From now on I will work for what I want. From now on I must realize that no one is perfect, and no one will be. I will try and be that person who I was...the kind hearted, fun loving person I once was. I can only hope that I won't succumb to the low levels of what I had grown to be morally opposed to, and I know now that I have friends who have my back if for some reason I do.  From now on, I'm going to be me. All of me. And that's all I can be, successfully.

Thank you to all my friends who will never leave my side along the road of life, you are much appreciated. I apologize to all the people I may have hurt, and hope you accept.
To my family, I love you all.

Until next time, Isaac.